Just when did the idea of marrying for love - and not for financial and political power - come into play? Who or what decided that two persons united in matrimony had to provide one another with emotional comfort, unconditional friendship, mind-blowing sex, equal care and financial security? What is the future of the sometimes obsolete institution of marriage?

These are some of the questions asked - and answered - by author Stephanie Coontz in “Marriage, a History: How Love Conquered Marriage”, a must-have bible of sorts for all married, divorced, engaged and single people alike. If we accept the truth of Sir Winston Churchill’s famous quote “Those that fail to learn from history, are doomed to repeat it” then learning about the development of the marriage institution throughout the ages, to the incredibly complex relationship it is today, is instrumental to its success. Instrumental to our personal success in the world of relationships.

Ms. Coontz is a historian and a researcher and has written extensively about marriage and family issues in various publications, including the NY Times, The Washington Post, Vogue and Harper’s magazine. Her previous book “The Way We Never Were: American Families and the Nostalgia Trap” has earned her several awards. But her knowledge and certifications do not exist at the expense of the reader’s enjoyment. Her writing style is pleasant, utterly informative and the book is a fantastically easy read.

From the ancient times, of the Egyptians and their incestuous gods - which included the sister/brother later becoming wife/husband team of Isis and Osiris - to the Middle Ages and the “indentured servant” position given a bride in the family situation. From Martin Luther’s circa 1500s assertion that “all creatures are divided into male and female; even trees marry; likewise budding plants; there is also marriage between rocks and stones” - which does help explain the last couple of relationships for me personally! - to the definition of a good wife in the Old Testament, which includes phrases such as “She seeketh wool, and flax, and worketh willingly with her hands. She is like the merchants’ ships; she bringeth food from afar. Strength and honour are her clothing; and she shall rejoice in time to come.” And my favorite “She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness” - see Proverbs 31 for the complete version, sometimes used as absurd Mother’s Day wishes these days… This book travels all the way to the present time, with our contemporary ideals of love, equality and the emotional involvement of both partners in the relationship, concepts that were unheard of in the institution of marriage until frighteningly recent.

Ms. Coontz then leaves us with the idea that divorce, and the ease of obtaining it in modern times, has created a whole new set of anxieties in married couples. A wife and husband know that there exists a need for sustained negotiation, for a constant new supply of mutual enjoyment and for an open line of communication to keep their marriage alive. Without it, a quick trip to a divorce lawyer can break a bond that has been signed, declared and sealed by the now nearly redundant words “Till death do us part”.

I suggest getting your own copy of the book if you are ready to embark on any kind of permanent bond with another human being. This will be the only “How To” book you’ll need. Till death… well, you get the picture!

“The Kiss by the Hôtel de Ville” photo courtesy of the Estate of Robert Doisneau. Book cover image courtesy of Penguin Books

It seems that kindness has become a bad word. It’s not a new concept, this idea that being kind - or worst ‘nice’ - is not cool or hip, but it certainly has become more of the norm these days. In my childhood, my Grandmother used to tell me that she took offence when someone called her ‘gentile’ in Italian, which literally means ‘kind’ but in her view actually meant “so dumb they can try to pull the wool over my eyes and then I’ll have to set them straight and that’s just so much effort”. Although that’s a bit extreme, I admit, it is something I may have in the back of my mind, subconsciously sending me messages to stop smiling at old ladies on the street and avoid being so damn ‘nice’ all the time.

But life always has a way to set you straight, when your thinking is out of wack. So, I’ve been hearing lately of some folks out there whose lives are not only dedicated to entertaining us - which is already an act of kindness in itself - but they also give their extra time to making the world a better place for humankind. Recently, I’ve really gotten into the music of the Black Eyed Peas. I know, I know, I’m about 10 years late, but that’s how it goes in NinaLand. I’m either way ahead of the times, or way behind them. Usually both at once… But I digress. Back to the BEP and their wonderful music. Good enough to guarantee their karma is assured to bring them back as highly inspired humans or above in the next life, right?! Well, actually for band member and founder Will.i.am it doesn’t seem to be enough, considering he’s now started the I.am Home Fund to help needy families finally achieve the joys of homeownership. Kudos to one nice guy and I definitely mean it as a compliment!

Then I heard on Oprah - indeed that crossroads of information for a woman who needs a tea break right around 4 pm, after seemingly endless writing - about another fab guy to add to my collection: Tyler Perry. Forget the fact that I’ve had a crush on the man - drags and all, as his alter-ego, the bigger than life Medea - since ‘Diary of a Mad Black Woman’, but here is a man who truly defines kindness. His persona, his mannerisms, his voice and his message are never aggressive and he doesn’t wear a chip on his shoulder. These days he’s been actively, though silently, helping the displaced in Haiti, ever since that horrific earthquake. I nominate Tyler Perry for a NICE award! And Spike Lee, back off! We all love you too, though not exactly for being a nice guy…

The great thing about finding role models - mine may seem a bit odd for a little, white Italian woman, but we don’t always pick our heroes, at times they pick us - is that they inspire you to do better, to be better, just by their inhabiting the world. I am slowly beginning to forget and forgo those anxieties at my own over-niceness and now find it absolutely OK to open doors for people who may not always say ‘Thank You’ in return, or treat a friend to an evening out, even if money’s tight this month…

Who is your favorite good guy or nice girl these days?

Images courtesy of CelebritySunglassesFinder.com and TylerPerry.com

Like it or not Girls, it’s once again SATC madness around the world. Regardless of it all, we love those four friends we’ve been following for the past twelve years even if at times we don’t completely agree with their choices or approach. This month, our woman Zenobia Shroff shares her thoughts on the second film installment of the series that since 1998 has taught us all to be more girly, more fashionable and simply more NYC. But be warned, if you are planning to see the film, Zen’s piece contains a few spoilers. So, watch ‘Sex and the City 2′ and then read this, not the other way around…

Sex & The City - 2 Much to Bear

On the surface I quite enjoyed SATC2. There were some clever puns, Patricia Field’s wildly creative costumes really appealed to me and the cinematography and production values were top notch. But over the last few days, as I thought about it more and more, my anger and disgust at this overtired franchise grew. Never mind that the plot lines were non-existent, the three other girls besides Sarah Jessica had no story line, and one kiss under the arches does not a love triangle make! I could even have stomached that. What I can’t stomach is what this once fun adventure of four Manhattan girls’ love lives has been reduced to.

Carrie and Big have settled into Upper East Side domesticity - the economy having absolutely no negative effect on this Wall Street man and his writer wife, they are living even better than ever! She whines incessantly that they have become too married and don’t go out enough. When your biggest problem is not liking take out , you need to shut up. She whines even more as he watches TV in bed and whines more than that when he ignores her. Her “trauma” leads here to kiss Aiden when she miraculously (and ridiculously unrealistically) finds him in the middle of Abu Dhabi!

The talented Cynthia Nixon is given virtually nothing to do and in the one good scene she has with the Episcopalian princess Charlotte she asks that they raise their glasses to toast all the women who do motherhood without nannies. Note to Miranda and Charlotte - and of course Michael Patrick King, writer of this delusion - that would be MOST American women!!!! It is patronizing and ignorant remarks like this that make you want to leap from your seat and throttle these spoilt, vapid, materialistic women!

Samantha (a delightful Kim Catrall) has no sex drive left. Ironically this is a real problem since Samantha’s primary identity is that of an over-sexed cougar. Therefore, in a strange turn of events her story becomes the most real, if indeed any of it can qualify as that.

Perhaps it is because I just had a semi-milestone birthday. Or perhaps it is because we are all coping with stringent economic times. But as I look around me at my fabulous group of 30, 40 and 50-something girlfriends, I simply cannot relate to these women. My group of girls at mid-life have different things on their minds. They are mothers and wives and girlfriends, granted, but their lives don’t hinge on the latest Birken bag. They are mothers whose children don’t need them anymore and wives stuck in stale marriages; they are career women experiencing ageism and sexism and glass ceilings everywhere; they are parents with difficult children, children with disabilities; they are friends still hopeful for Mr. Right; they are women coping with divorce and yes, sadly right now they are even some battling the big C. Listen up Carrie and company - life is not all Manolos and martinis and camel rides in the desert. Life, joyful as it can be, is messy and hard and yes sometimes frankly it sucks. But we are resilient and strong. We persevere and endure and keep it a ll together. Because we are adults. We are grown-ups. And that is what grown-ups do. Carrie and her friends need to do just that. It would do them a world of good.

The paper today said the movie only made 32 million in its opening weekend, as opposed to the 57 millions the first one grossed in the same time period. That’s a good sign. Perhaps American women are not as stupid and shallow as Michael Patrick King would have us believe.

SJP and MPK need to turn out the lights out on this dog and pony show. We’re all sexed out.

All images and video courtesy of Warner Bros. Pictures

OK, so The Ajnabee is hardly a meeting place for those with weight issues. I mean, there are as many posts about chocolate and cookies - and these days Macarons! - as there are film reviews. And that in itself is saying it all. But then there is Kanwal’s Healthy Corner to help you prepare those everyday meals and an alternative to making food that is healthy, low fat and low cal. Contrary to popular belief, though, we do care about our shape as we travel the world (by connecting at the best airports), eat good quality chocolate and watch fantastic new discoveries in filmmaking. And the key word in the previous sentence is ‘SHAPE’. We care about our shape. Never about our weight!

So here is where I draw the distinction. In this weight-obsessed world we call the USA - I never stepped on a scale while I lived in Italy, my pediatrician would weigh me at checkups and write down the result without much fanfare - there is a strong emphasis on those numbers on the scale. Yet few look at themselves in the mirror as a way to appreciate their bodies. I was blessed with parents who are both naturally slim, so weight has never been an issue for me. But shape has been my healthy obsession since I first put on my pink ballet slippers at age five. And I’ve never looked back - pardon the pun - but have always made sure to spend a good amount of time assessing my assets - hum… another funny sounding phrase I must apologize for! - to keep myself in good shape.

In fact, even women who are enviably skinny (I am definitely not one since I enjoy my Indian and Italian food way too much to watch what I eat) can be out of shape. And setting goals to be in shape can be a lot more fun and doable than setting about to try and lose or gain weight. Go for a run early in the morning, do some yoga in the privacy of your own apartment, sign up for a Pilates or dance class and watch your weight concerns turn into shape pleasures. Seriously. And while you are at it, stop to smell the roses on your jogging path and notice the sun rising before your very eyes, right in front of your yoga mat.

Another reason I prefer to think of getting healthy as minding my shape is because weight is such a yoyo factor, particularly for women. That time of the month, extra muscles from an intense workout, fluid retention from a salty meal can all add up in the pounds department and sabotage our good intentions. But if you are looking at your shape each day, you’ll notice great changes in your muscle tone and won’t be frightened by a little water gain, which will probably enhance your shapely figure anyway. I still don’t own a scale and honestly, when I do step on one at the gym, it’s always such a meaningless number. Like age, weight is so personal… What is skinny on a friend at 130 can be fat on me. Chuck it up to bone structure and size and what the Italians call a ‘Falsa Magra’ - literally, a ‘fake skinny woman’ of which I am DEFINITELY one!

Finally, I don’t wish to diminish the strife faced by those who grapple daily with their battle to lose weight. Again, I am thankful to my good genes for the absence of that in my life, but can assure you I am not so pretty myself when I stop exercising for a month. Any good weight loss program must combine food management and exercising to be successful. I’m just saying, watch a little less what you eat and mind a little more what your body looks like to find inner beauty and a healthy balance. Buy yourself a new pair of running shoes, or a yoga mat and please, thrown out your scale!

The fabulous Cate Masters was kind enough to bestow ‘The Circle of Friends’ blog award on The Ajnabee. Apart from thanking her profusely for it, in turn I would also like to bestow this honor on a few of the authors’ blogs I have visited lately and loved! And once you are nominated (TAG you are IT!) you must in turn mention who nominated you and then pay it forward to a few other blogs you love to visit - from time to time. Thank you for the fun, Cate you are the top!

• Nana Malone
• Joanna D’Angelo
• Kanwal Ullah
• Aasiyah - Nolwynn

Ladies, lets keep being the fabulous Divas we are!! And Cate, once again THANKS YOU!

Those who did not watch the Barbara Walters pre-Oscar special or the red carpet arrivals on E! last night, might have caught the rerun of a fabulous episode of 60 Minutes on two Spanish brothers matadors - bullfighters. Their names: the eldest, with the blue-blood demeanor (and the two bull’s ears in his hands!) is Francisco Rivera Ordoñez and his kid brother, with the model good looks, is Cayetano. 

Cayetano nearly died in the ring, when he tripped during a Corrida on a backward move and was instantly attacked by the bull. But he seems to be all better and now… and HOW! Anyway, enough of my overheated talk, sit back and enjoy this wonderful tribute to an art which may be a bit sadistic, but certainly is passionate and picturesque. And mostly because of the men who put their lives in the hands - or rather horns - of the bulls each and every day!

To best savor this moment, may I suggest a creamy Rioja like the Marqués de Cáceres 1997 Rioja Crianza, Vendimia Seleccionada which retails at about $10 at Trader Joe’s… And while you are there, pick up some deliciously decadent Marcona Almonds to go along with your delicious drink! N-joy!

Watch CBS News Videos Online

Alright, so that dreaded day is approaching, the day when all your married or otherwise involved girlfriends (or male buddies, we are an equal opportunity blog here at The Ajnabee!) get chocolates, flowers, jewelry and even a romantic dinner invitation from their men/gals. I have a few words of advice to survive the 14th of February, if you should find yourself - gasp! - single for the occasion. Point one, do notice your friends’ mates. Hum… not exactly what you would go for? It is probably such types who have kept you single until now, am I right?!

Anyway, point two, St. Valentine was “MARTYRED” on the 14th of February 269 A.D.. For those of you who may be unfamiliar with the term, it is hardly cause for celebration! Apparently, right before his execution, St. Valentine sent a note to his jailor’s daughter, who had become a dear friend during his incarceration, and signed it ”From Your Valentine”, thus starting the current card trend so beloved by the folks at Hallmark.

It is in the spirit of this last factoid that I suggest honoring Valentine’s holiday by spending it with your best single friends. Go to a trendy bar and order the priciest and most intricate drinks on their menu or find a great place to have proper tea. In the case of an all-male outing, of course a sports bar also works, in lieu of tea. In NYC, I suggest Merc Bar in Soho for some amazing martinis as well as the sultry ambiance, or Lady Mendl’s inside The Inn at Irving Place for a cozy four-course tea. While in London, The Ritz still stands above all the rest for high tea and it’s a great place to have glitzy drinks as well. As an added bonus, you can people-watch all those couples walking by, most of whom do not look half as joyous as one would expect.

On the other hand, lets say that going out just doesn’t sound like such a great idea on a frigid February night. I do have some suggestions for a great, romantic night alone at home. YES - you read right - I did write “romantic” and “alone” in the same sentence. I am a firm believer that being single should never mean feeling lonely! My favorite Valentine evening would involve a hot milk bath with Jasmine essential oil sprinkled in, a special face masque - made by combining yogurt, a drizzle of honey and 5 drops of Rose essential oil - a great book - try something wicked like ‘Best Women’s Erotica 2010′ or a warm, romantic and sultry read like ‘The Mango Season’ by Amulya Malladi - some high quality L.A. Burdick chocolates and a large cup of steaming hot chocolate, care of Jacques Torres. Replace Ylang Ylang E.O. for the men reading this, still sweet but won’t leave you smelling like a eunuch, and use the same oil for your face masque. Reading material, well one Sports Illustratedjumps to mind, as well as Dan Brown’s latest ‘The Lost Symbol’. 

Finish off the evening with a Prosecco cocktail, easily made with inexpensive Martellozzo Prosecco from Trader Joe’s, a couple of canned lychees and a sprig of mint thrown in. Then, maybe even throw in a DVD like ‘Love Happens’ or ‘NY I Love You’ and you’ve got the perfect single girl’s - and boy’s of course - Valentine bash!

This one doesn’t need too much of an intro. Just watch the video below and donate your jeans at a participating store to benefit the homeless, through The National Coalition for the Homeless. Simple. Oh, and by doing so you get automatically entered in the contest to win a year’s supply of Volcom jeans. So, you see how you simply can’t lose with this one? I mean, a year’s supply of jeans, to match all your moods and occasions, while helping to dress those less fortunate… Come on, we all have a couple of pairs of old jeans hidden in the crevices of our closets that simply need to be set free. And while it’s more difficult to give in today’s rough economy, there is a certain Feng Shui fabulousness in uncluttering our dwellings. It may even help us to unclutter our lives…

Give Jeans a Chance is a lovely new initiative to allow your old jeans to go to good use… And BTW, not only is the video hilarious - see minute 1.02 for instant giggles - but Volcom is a really cool, rock ‘n roll brand for boys and girls, women and men, even dudes and chicks. Hey, you don’t take my word for it, just check out the video below! 

All we are saying is give YOUR jeans a chance!

Images and video courtesy of Factory PR

Let me first begin by saying that if I am infringing on any laws by re-printing this, I apologize. But it’s just too good to keep to myself and I hope Sharon Moist will be gracious in understanding that The Ajnabee never makes any money from this site, but is solely here to share all that is fantastic in the world. This is truly a gem! Check out the link to Ms. Moist’s site above. Secondly, although written with actors in mind, I just find this piece particularly poignant at the end of a week that was incredibly successful for me as a writer, but perhaps not as satisfying as a human being. As it’s often the case, during my most work-intensive moments, acquaintances just aren’t so cooperative. My work peers — those who lack to notice that I am not a journalist like them, not in the same business as they are and HECK, don’t speak to the same demographics, don’t even look like any of them, so I couldn’t possibly be a threat! — are becoming increasingly hostile. Some lack the common courtesy to even say ‘Hello’ and honestly, the more I make my slow-as-a-snail-but-steady-as-a-turtle way into the world of writing about films, fashion, fun and everything Indian I love so much, the less successful I feel in my personal relationships. The people are the same, I am definitely the same — perhaps more of me due to the increase in fascinating work, and less of me because of my decrease in time available — life is the same, the work is the same, but our relationships are strained and uncomfortable. That is why I absolutely relished getting this in my inbox and thank god for these kinds of divine interventions.

Ultimately, guys and girls out there, take a moment to be kind to each other. Surprisingly, though the media would have us believe otherwise, there is enough work for all of us. And if you are insecure, do as I do… Talk about it! Smile through it. Don’t hide behind a cloak of self-righteousness and arrogance. It’s just not attractive. Oh, and lastly, to those who may feel the urge to write comments about how it’s ‘all Nina’s fault’, I know! I have heard it all before, but obviously am not alone in feeling this way, as Ms. Moist is wayyyy more successful than me and saw the need to write a piece addressing the issue…

During her career as an agent, Sharon Moist saw thousands of actors shoot themselves in the foot, on a regular basis, through the choices they made and the actions they took while pursuing their careers. And, while they weren’t doing it on purpose, it happened because they didn’t have the information and the resources they needed to make better decisions and better choices.

FRIENEMIES by Sharon Moist

Over the last four years of building my business, I’ve been very fortunate to meet some great business advisors and mentors who have wanted to help me succeed - even when our businesses looked similar enough that we could be considered potential “competitors.”

The great thing about these women (and men … but mostly women) is that they have not been threatened by me, but instead have actually helped me expand my knowledge base and grow my business. Unfortunately that is not always the case with people in business, and for some reason, this seems to be especially true when it comes to the entertainment industry.

One of the biggest challenges that actors and others who work in entertainment face is the belief that if they help someone with their career (i.e. get an agent, an audition, or even a better job at one of the networks or studios), the people doing the helping will lose out on an opportunity for themselves. Instead of coming from a place of wanting to give to others, they come to the table with a “what’s in it for ME” attitude.

When it comes to supporting each other, in business and in life, one of my mentors, Zig Ziglar, has this to say: “You can have everything in life you want, if you will just help enough other people get what they want.”

I’ve never had a Frenemy before (at least not one that I know of), so this is a new experience for me, and quite frankly, as I have experienced the subtle sabotage that has been continually sent my way, it has really changed the level of respect I have for this person, as well as how I do business with them.

So what about you? Do you have any Frenemies? If so, here are three simple steps that you can take to deal with them, no matter what area of the entertainment industry you work in:

Step One: Remember That It’s Not About You!

If you’re in a Frenemy relationship with someone, the first thing you need to understand is that whatever bad vibes, sabotage, or gossip they’re sending your way is actually based around their issues and their insecurities.

Their behavior is actually about their need for attention, their need for approval, their fears of not being good enough and/or their fears of not being liked - none of which has anything to do with you! Unfortunately, there’s also nothing you can do to change their actions, so the first step is to just keep reminding yourself that it’s not about you!

Step Two: Be Nice!

If there’s one thing I know about being human, it’s this: when someone does something to hurt me or sabotage my business, I often feel like I want to retaliate. Therefore, I know that the idea of being nice to your Frenemy may seem counterintuitive to your desire to be mean, but again, you need to remember that their behavior has nothing to do with you.

Now that doesn’t mean that you need to stay around and be their “whipping post.” Instead, whenever your paths cross, your job is to be nice to them and then move on. 

Step Three: Connect With Like-Minded People

Life is hard enough as it is, without having Frenemies, so as soon as you discover that one of your friends is really a Frenemy, it’s time to go out and start connecting with other like-minded, success-oriented people who want to help you succeed.

Here’s an example of what I mean: Over the last two years I’ve become friends with a guy named Bob Fraser; a former actor-writer-producer-director who now works with actors in their careers. And while we’ve actually never met in person, I believe that we have developed a great professional relationship.

Now on the surface of things, it would appear that Bob and I would be “competitors” since we’re both targeting the same audience. However, in reality, Bob and I are really allies because although what we teach actors is very similar, we each bring a different background and set of experiences to the table, so that as we pass our knowledge onto our shared audience, we’re doing so from two very different points of view (POV): he from an actor-writer-producer-director POV and I from an actor-studio exec-agent-career coach POV.

The great thing about Bob is that not only does he have a very generous attitude when it comes to sharing his experience in the business, he also has a great energy about him and quite honestly, I’m really looking forward to the day when we actually do get to meet in person, instead of just communicate online! 

Food for Thought: Your Frenemies will only have as much power over you as you give them. So while they may have started out as a friend, if/when the times comes that they are more Frenemy than friend, bless them and send them on their way, because I know that somewhere out there, just waiting to be discovered, is a true friend who really does want to support you and see you succeed.

Sharon Moist is a former Hollywood Agent and author of 101 Tips for Actors, Sharon now works with clients to help them develop success strategies to become empowered in their own careers. Also known as The Industry Coach®, Sharon’s clients come from all areas of the entertainment industry and represent such projects as: Desperate Housewives, 24, and Las Vegas, among others, as well as studios such as HBO and talent agencies, including The William Morris Agency.

Yesterday I got a friend request on Facebook, from a gentleman with an Indian sounding name. When I went to the actual request, I noticed a long message attached to it. I am still thinking this is a goof, from one of my friends — or one of my enemies… I mean, the guy’s name translates to “beautiful” and I assure you there are few men out there who are less handsome than he. Of course, beauty is on the inside, but it has been my experience that when there is beauty inside a person, the skin becomes a transparent organ, and the beauty is without fail reflected on the outside. Mr. Sundar is more of the garden variety street thug appearance than a beautiful soul, inside or out. Regardless of his intentions and disposition, I have to share his message with you. I have substituted his photo with a cartoon, just to help him retain his anonymity. N-joy!

My Self Mr. Sundar

I’m an attractive inside and out classy man who just turned 28 and youthful at heart…, I enjoy dancing…listening to music…attending concerts…outdoor activities…traveling. Extremely independent, confident, secure, emotionally, mentally and spiritually stable. I am full of surprises, educated, sound-minded, and can carry a great conversation. 

Love is not about looking for the wealthy one but the right one that one can live life with. I do appreciate your email if you sent to me from the depth of heart. I would want to tell you that, i am ready to be devoted to you at all times and if only you would be serious with me in this FRIENDSHIP which we have created.

I’m a Professional, goal oriented, affectionate, loving and caring person. I would like to see my friends and man happy. 

I’m looking for someone to compliment me and that WE can grow with. 

I want someone who equally enjoys life. 

I am looking for someone who is caring, respectful, prospective, productive, affectionate, loving, kind, devototed, attentive, amiable, confident, understanding and patient and desiring. 

I would like that person to be open-minded, truthful, and honest, as well as treat me as the Best FRIEND I am, as I will treat him as the Best FRIEND. 

That person must have a sense of humor because I enjoy being playful and having a good time.

With Regards…

As the icing on the cake of all this, his FB profile states MARRIED and even names his two children… HUM… I think I was right to think he was UGLY!