Indeed, that Renaissance man, that poster-boy of multitalented individuals has now become a weekly columnist for the Hindustani Times. And you know what, he’s funny, witty, intelligent and honest. Everything one would expect from the rockstar that is Farhan Akhtar.

His first column opened with the inner question nearly all writers ask themselves “When first asked to write about my life, thoughts and experiences, I wondered… will people actually be interested in what’s going on with me?” which seemed not only candid but incredibly humble. Of course, he also goes on to ask “What if my column becomes the most read every week? How wild would that be?” which is just like Akhtar… For those who have met him in person, this will sound like the perfectly written diary of the man. If you do not know him that well, fix that right away by checking out a profile of Farhan Akhtar on AVS TV’s blog.

Of course, making his innermost thoughts public is not a new experience for Akhtar, since his directorial debut film ‘Dil Chahta Hai’ was based on his own experiences in Goa and inspired by his own journals. And we all know that the answer to his opening line in his debut column is a resounding YES, everyone who watches his film is automatically interested in what the man has to say. 

Enough from me now. I leave you with the links to debut Week 1 and follow up Week 2 - where he grapples with that life-long fascination we all have with horoscopes in deciding our future - of Farhan Akhtar on HTCity. N-joy!

Top image courtesy of Masala Chai - bottom image & excerpts courtesy of HT

This is something my friend Andrea’s boyfriend Christer came across and shared with her. She then passed on the wisdom and shared it with me. Before passing it on, Andrea asked Christer if this is the way men really think. His answer: “Men don’t think!” Brilliant. I suggest framing it and reading it to remind ourselves that most of what we women torture ourselves over is really only a moot point. I am reposting it long after the fact to remind myself mostly…

Let’s say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else. And then, one evening when they’re driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud:
”Do you realize that, as of tonight, we’ve been seeing each other for exactly six months?”
And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: “I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he’s been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I’m trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn’t want, or isn’t sure of.”
And Roger is thinking: “Gosh. Six months.”
And Elaine is thinking: “But, hey, I’m not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I’d have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward . . . I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?”
And Roger is thinking: “… so that means it was… let’s see… February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer’s, which means… lemme check the odometer… Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.”
And Elaine is thinking: “He’s upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I’m reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed — even before I sensed it — that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that’s it. That’s why he’s so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He’s afraid of being rejected.”
And Roger is thinking: “And I’m gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don’t care what those morons say, it’s still not changing gear right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It’s late spring, and this thing is changing like a damn rubbish truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.”
And Elaine is thinking: “He’s angry. And I don’t blame him. I’d be angry, too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can’t help the way I feel. I’m just not sure.”
And Roger is thinking: “They’ll probably say it’s only a 90-day warranty. That’s exactly what they’re gonna say, the scumballs.”
And Elaine is thinking: “Maybe I’m just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I’m sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centred, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.”
And Roger is thinking: “Warranty? They want a warranty? I’ll give them a damn warranty. I’ll take their warranty and stick it right up their…”
“Roger”, Elaine says aloud.
“What?” says Roger, startled.
”Please don’t torture yourself like this,” she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. ”Maybe I should never have… Oh God, I feel so…” (She breaks down, sobbing.)
”What?” says Roger.
”I’m such a fool,” Elaine sobs. ”I mean, I know there’s no knight. I really know that. It’s silly. There’s no knight, and there’s no horse.”
”There’s no horse?” says Roger.
”You think I’m a fool, don’t you?” Elaine says.
”No!” says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.
”It’s just that… It’s that I… I need some time”, Elaine says.
(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)
”Yes,” he says.
(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)
”Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?” she says.
”What way?” says Roger.
”That way about time,” says Elaine.
”Oh,” says Roger. ”Yes.”
(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)
”Thank you, Roger,” she says.
”Thank you,” says Roger.
Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of chips, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of.
A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it’s better if he doesn’t think about it. (This is also Roger’s policy regarding world hunger.)

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing tennis one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine’s, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: ”Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?”

I swear I am not making this up! I received an email newsletter this afternoon and just HAD to share it with you. Even when I am not looking for answers to my questions, they keep coming. Master Coelho has always been a god, in my book. His work makes sense at age 13 and continues to make sense at age 30, and way, way beyond. I have met men - and women - who still swear by him in their sixties… Anyway, this was too magical not to share it, and to someone like me - who does not need any more reasons to love the opposite sex - simply like a laundry list of life’s answers. N-joy!

Image courtesy of Paulo Coelho Blog online

WHY WE LOVE MEN
by Paulo Coelho

A friend of mine, Julia, sent me the text below. When I tried to get in touch with her to ask if she herself had written it, she had already left on a trip and I don’t know exactly when she will be coming back.

I checked on the Internet and guess what I discovered? That there are many discussion groups on this subject! In other words, nowadays women are looking for reasons to fall in love with the opposite sex. As a man who agrees with some of these reasons, I made a list based on what they say:

We love men because they can’t fake an orgasm, even if they wanted to.

Because they will never understand us, yet even so they go on trying.

Because they still manage to see our beauty, even when we ourselves no longer believe it.

Because they understand equations, politics, maths and economics, but not the feminine heart.

Because they are lovers who only rest when we have had (or pretend to have had) pleasure.

Because they manage to raise sport to something bordering on religion.

Because they are never afraid of the dark.

Because they insist on fixing things that are beyond their capacity, and dedicate themselves to this with the same enthusiasm as an adolescent, and get frustrated when they don’t succeed.

Because they are like pomegranates: most of them is impossible to digest, but the seeds are delicious.

Because they never comment on what the neighbors might think.

Because we always know what they are thinking, and when they open their mouth they say exactly what we imagined they would.

Because they never dreamed of torturing themselves wearing high heels.

Because they love to explore our body and conquer our soul.

Because a 14-year-old girl can leave them speechless, and a 25-year-old woman can tame them quite effortlessly.

Because they are always attracted by extremes: the opulent or the ascetic, warriors or monks, artists or generals.

Because they do absolutely everything possible to try to hide their weaknesses.

Because a man’s biggest fear is not being a man (it never crosses a woman’s mind not to be a woman).

Because they always eat everything on their plate, and don’t feel guilty about it.

Because they take great delight in completely uninteresting matters, such as what happened at work, or different makes of automobiles.

Because they have shoulders where we can rest our heads and sleep without much effort.

Because they are at peace with their bodies, except for small, insignificant things like growing bald and getting fat.

Because they are incredibly courageous in front of insects.

Because they never lie about their age.

Because despite everything they try to demonstrate, they can’t live without a woman.

Because when we tell one of them “I love you”, they always ask us to explain exactly how.

One reader, Kristen, claims that we know absolutely nothing about feminine nature, and sends us the following list:

1 – We women are born detectives. In our eyes, all men are suspect and their adventures will end up being discovered – it’s just a matter of time.

2 – Even if we are not in love with you, hearing “I love you” is a balm to our souls. And if you don’t say it, we will notice and become sad.

3 – The same thing happens with “you are beautiful”. It takes less than two seconds to say these three magical words, which can change our nightmares into real fairy tales.

4 – If we ask what clothes we should wear, don’t be annoyed if we put on exactly the opposite of what you chose – that’s part of our nature.

5 – At a party we are capable of scanning the whole room in less than a minute to find out what interests us. Just watch.

6 – We think of sex with the same compulsion as men - or maybe even more so. The only difference is that we don’t show it.

7 – If we don’t accept immediately an invitation to dinner or a first date, don’t worry – we just need a few days to lose the extra kilos that we always feel are ruining our lives.

8 – Women always remember everything. If you ask when we met, none of us will say: “at a party”. We will say: “it was a Tuesday, right after a dinner where they served salad and chicken broth, and you were wearing a black blazer and designer shoes, and so on.

9 – However much love we are capable of giving, there are seven days when we want to be far from everything and everybody. You have two options: tie yourself to a lamp-post and wait till the storm is over, or else go the nearest jeweler’s and buy a present. We recommend the second option.

10 – We have as much power of reasoning as men do. But we don’t need to make this evident, otherwise you will feel insecure. Women who do that end up alone.

11 – We love all kinds of hair on the male body, although waxing is our favorite torture.

12 – We hate making love when we don’t feel like it, but we do it anyway, and you will never be able to notice the difference.

13 – Play with our pets and our children, and we will play with you. Ignore them, and we will ignore you too.

14 – Women are equipped with X-ray vision. We can look at hard, dark eyes and discover the child hiding behind them. We can stare at angel-blue eyes and discover the demon that lies there. We know when men are pretending to be sleeping from tiredness or – more obviously – when they are pretending not to be sleeping with someone else.

15 – Not all women want marriage and children. Many just want orgasms and pets.

16 – When delicateness is genuine, it can melt our hardened hearts.

17 - If we have some problem to discuss with you, don’t try to give us the solution, we already have one. It’s just a pretext to prevent the relationship ending in boredom.

I was recently contacted by Phase, the man behind “The Phase Files”, an online blog. You’ll find the link to it on my blogroll, to the bottom right. He contacted me to let me know how he had enjoyed my blog and it turns out, I really enjoy his writing also. I am proud to have him on the Happily Unmarried Ever After site, introducing himself and even lending one of his essays for my readers to sample… Once you are left wanting for more, click on the link and find yourself in the middle of all new adventures, from a male POV. Below is his own introduction to this audience, followed by a piece from his “New Beginning” chapter. It’s particularly poignant for those of you who always wanted to know what guys think of us women… N-joy!

“The Phase Files is a collection of factual and humorous stories recounting my experiences with women. Each phase represents a different chapter of my life where I have different expectations and goals concerning my relationships with the opposite sex. I implement a personal anecdote in each story to illustrate my state of mind and provide dialogue to contribute to its authenticity.

My goal is to ultimately publish a book consisting of my experiences with women as well as provide advice. There are several situations where men who date feel trapped, pressured, and conflicted. I am attempting to communicate these scenarios through my own personal stories and provide advice for men who experience these dilemmas. I intend for my stories to be comical while realistic because I am experienced at dating and have resorted to extreme behavior to achieve my well-roundedness.

NEW BEGINNING:

I graduated from college two weeks ago and I am eager to start my new life with different priorities and expectations. I am sitting in my bedroom at home in New York reminiscing and regret the degradation of my moral values during college and transformation into the person I always loathed. Going into college as a freshman I was naïve, socially inexperienced, and sexually deprived and was prepared to sacrifice everything I stood for to progress in all of these areas. I dedicated myself to building my self-confidence through superficial outlets in the gym, being the social butterfly at parties, and by flirting and hooking up with several women. This became a way of life for me, which many college students can relate to, however I made it a point to be the man who all the guys admired. I realize how I needed to be promiscuous to compensate for the lack of positive attention I had in my youth. This player mentality became a way of life and inspired me to exploit and lead on several girls who were genuinely interested in pursuing future relationships. I realize now that it’s time to move forward and pursue a monogamous relationship.
I call one of my friends and explain that I am ready and motivated to find a girlfriend but bars and nightclubs have not traditionally been conducive for me to find a legitimate partner. He informs me that several people our age are resorting to alternative outlets to branch out to meet new dating prospects. I sign up for JDate, the largest online community for Jewish singles and create a free profile. I do not have any serious expectations but am willing to give it a test run. Within fifteen minutes of posting my profile, I receive an instant message from a girl my age who’s interested in learning more about me and my background. I check out her profile and am genuinely interested in learning more about her. Later in the conversation, I inform the girl there is a major Jewish singles-event taking place downtown later on that night in four bars where over 5,000 Jewish people RSVP’d. She eagerly accepts my invitation and we exchange phone numbers.
Meanwhile uptown, my friends Bergers and DangerMack are excited to meet and observe several single Jewish women firsthand. The pre-gaming festivities are under way and I explain how I got in touch with a girl earlier in the day and how this event is spelling out to be an infestation of sexy and desperate single women. I am not convinced in the least that this girl is a keeper but at the very least I know she will give me a good time. She agrees to meet me after one conversation and I am shelving my conscience for another night since I haven’t been home a week and want to enjoy myself.

Friday Night

10:30: Bergers, DangerMack and I take a cab the Meatpacking/Chelsea area and split up to check out the different bars and see where the best looking women are partying. I receive a call from my girl and she tells me she’s at The Park bar, and I tell her to wait for me outside so we can waltz in together.
10:45: I prevent the first encounter from being awkward as I see her a half-block away and smile. I am excited to set a positive first impression and as I pull up to her and say hello I firmly grab her hand and proceed on going to the front of the line. No one raises their voice and I assertively take control of the situation by getting us into the venue with a fake name on the list and paying less than half of the actual price. She is very impressed and wants to become better acquainted at the lounge across the dance floor cluttered with energetic 20 year olds swinging their hips to the funk and retro 90’s hiphop music.
11:00: I demonstrate higher value by smiling and making her feel fortunate enough to be my date. Playing off her insecurities, which I immediately noticed in our conversation online, I instruct her to buy a round of drinks. She complies and orders a round of two Long Island Iced Teas and we gravitate towards the lounge area across the room. At this point I am buzzed from the pre-gaming and with a better glance of the girl’s face I am captivated to spend the rest of my night with her.
11:10: We sit down at a flashy nouveau red bench adjacent to the other couples and impending hook ups. I comment how the scene is out of my element since I am more accustomed to going out to smaller bars and house parties. She tells me how she’s a social butterfly and is well acquainted to all of the different types of social venues in the city since she graduated from college in the city. I am drunk and ask her to tell me her name and she embarrassingly laughs and tells me she forgot mine as well. I laugh and cannot comprehend her long Jewish sounding last name so I decide to call her Hawk for the remainder of the night. It’s manifested in her body language with her legs crossed with her foot grazing against my shin and forced laughs at weak humor… She is interested. For the sake of killing time and deciding if she is worth anymore of mine, since there are several other attractive girls at the venue, I test her.
“So you tell me you graduated from school in the city, what are you doing with yourself these days?”
Hawk is determined to present herself well as she illustrates several signs of preliminary emotional investment. “I am originally from the Midwest but I got a job working in marketing. I really like the work you do, tell me more about.”
I am beginning to feel turned off by her forward mannerisms and eagerness for me to open up and elaborate on myself. Nevertheless, I am enjoying her company and her face is pretty so I reply, “I am doing a lot with my time, from work to writing and I am here tonight to find someone new to start the new year with. I haven’t had a girlfriend in a longtime and I would like to potentially find someone to date.”
11:30: The conversation continues for another twenty minutes when I realize I let down my guard. I reflect on my fraternity formal two weeks ago and the girl I devastated. This inspires me to not repeat the same mistake by leading her on, however I am horny and have no clue how to go about starting a relationship. I am inspired to inquire about her current dating situation to be sure I would not be sharing her with anyone else. I lost my virginity at the beginning of my sophomore year to someone who I discovered at the end of the term was simultaneously sleeping with someone else. To this day it has jaded my ability to trust women when it comes to relationships but I am willing to look past the two-timing bitch since not all girls are scheming whores. I am thinking to myself what the most appropriate move and course of action are at the moment. I am unsure of whether there is a right way to prove myself as a worthy candidate to date. I know if I hook up with her, I will certainly win brownie points, so this becomes my incentive to build a foundation for a potential relationship. She is a very interesting girl with unique perspectives on several subjects such as religion, liberal arts, education, as well as strong personal values.
11:45: I look at my phone and see several missed calls from Bergers as well as a text explaining how he’s been kicked out of his bar and cannot get a hold of DangerMack. I reply to Bergers, through a text message, that the remainder of my night is booked and I wish him the best of luck getting into another bar and finding DangerMack. I excuse myself from Hawk for a few minutes and step outside the bar after getting an angry reply from Bergers. I explain to him I met a girl I like and want to see where the night takes us. He reluctantly accepts the news and tells me to have fun.
11:50: I step back inside and realize Hawk is anxiously waiting for me to keep her company. I smile leaning in and kiss her on the lips and whisper in a sexy tone, “I’m not going anywhere.” She is very turned on and kisses me back for several minutes until she asks if I want to go somewhere a little quieter.
12:00: Hawk and I hail a cab and proceed to taking a lusty cab ride to her place in Brooklyn. I am feeling ambivalent about her since Hawk clearly has loose morals and poor self-respect and I am not in the mood to hook up with an emotionally needy woman. I am drunk and overlook her shortcomings for the time-being and anticipate a night long of wild and kinky sex. “

Check out the new video for the upcoming blockbuster of the summer “Mission Istaanbul”. It’s love at first sight, and sound! I just had to share it. For more, click on the “Mission Istaanbul” section of IndiaFM. You’ll get loads of downloads and the film’s trailer and songs. Oh, and it’s listed in the Man’s Opinion segment because, well, it all takes place in a man’s world! But thank goodness for men like these… Vivek Oberoi, Zayed Khan, Suniel Shetty and Apoorva Lakhia. The film opens in a theater near you on July 25th. The soundtrack, a mixture of Indian classics, Arabic sounds and with a lot of modern beats thrown in to get you jumping out of your seat, is available now at Itunes.

So, if this leaves you yearning for more Turkey, more Istanbul, more of the languid sounds, mysterious people and delicious foods, then check out my “Istanbul Accomplished - Third Time’s a Charm” entry, from September 2007. N-joy!

Whenever a moment of weakness crosses my path, I refer back to Master Coelho and his “Warrior of the Light” manual. I bought my copy in Italy many years ago, before it became available in its English translation. But these days, nearly weekly inspiration comes in the form of his Newsletter. To get your own, go to Paulo Coelho’s website and sign up for it. Following is something that really came at the right moment for me, last week. Pay special attention to the paragraphs “Nothing is easy” and “Fear is natural”.

“In the Wheel of Time”

I had proposed to publish here, once a year, texts by Carlos Castañeda, an anthropologist who influenced my generation with his tales of meetings with Mexican sorcerers. For lack of space, I have not done so since 2004. Today I woke up thinking: Castañeda, despite all his critics and all his work that later on seemed so disorderly to me, should not be forgotten. So here we present some of his reflections.

Intention is the important thing: for the old sorcerers of Mexico, intention (intento) is a force that intervenes in all aspects of time and space. To be able to use and manipulate this force calls for impeccable behavior. A warrior’s final goal is to be able to lift his head above the rut where he is confined, look around him, and change what he wants. To do so he needs to have discipline and pay attention all the time.

Nothing is easy: nothing in this world is given as a present: everything has to be learned with a great deal of effort. A man who seeks knowledge must have the same behavior as a soldier going to war: absolutely attentive, afraid, respectful and utterly confident. If he follows these recommendations, he may lose the odd battle but he will never cry over his fate.

Fear is natural: fear of the freedom that knowledge brings us is absolutely natural; however, no matter how terrible the apprenticeship may be, it is worse to live without wisdom.

Irritation is unnecessary: becoming irritated with others means giving them the power to interfere in our lives. It is imperative to overcome this feeling. By no means should the acts of others distract us from our only alternative in life: coming in touch with the infinite.

The end is an ally: when things begin to get confused, a warrior thinks about his death and immediately his spirit returns to him. Death is everywhere. Think of the headlights of a car following us along a winding road; sometimes we lose sight of it, sometimes it appears to be too close, sometimes the headlights go out. But this imaginary car never stops (and one day catches up with us). The very idea of death gives men the necessary detachment to go ahead despite all their tribulations. A man who knows that death is approaching every day tries everything, but without feeling anxiety.

The present is unique: a warrior knows how to wait, because he knows what he is waiting for. And while he waits, he wants nothing, and in this way anything he receives – however small – is a blessing. The common man worries too much about loving others, or being loved by them. A warrior knows what he wants - that is all in his life and that is where he concentrates all his energy. The common man spends the present acting as winner or loser, and depending on the results he becomes persecutor or victim. The warrior, on the other hand, worries only about his acts, which will lead him to the objective he has traced for himself.

Intention is transparent: intention (intento) is not a thought, nor an object, nor a desire. It is what makes a man triumph in his objectives and lifts him up from the ground even when he has delivered himself up to defeat. Intention is stronger than man.

It is always the last battle: the warrior’s spirit does not complain about anything, because he was not born to win or lose. He was born to fight, and each battle is the last that he is waging on the face of the Earth. That is why the warrior always leaves his spirit free, and when he gives himself to combat, knowing that his intention is transparent, he laughs and enjoys himself.

Courtesy of Paulo Coelho Online

This is one talented South African poet. Of course, to get the full meaning and the complete nuances, one would have to speak Afrikaans, but even the English translation sent shivers up my spine. Once you have read it through, I suggest checking out the author reading it on YouTube. The imagery only adds to the lines…

“Bloedgebrek vir die Uitwoners van Winter.”

Bring vir my die vaalheid van die maan,
Bring me the paleness of the moon
of die sombere blink van sterre,
or the somber shining of stars,
as jou mense in die donker begrafnis hou
when you bury your dead in the dark,
en die wildehond wegraak,
when the wild dog disappears
onder die stowwerige pote van sy prooi.
beneath the dusty hooves of its prey.
Kom stamp jou voete aan my kant,
Come child, stamp your feet on my side,
kom maak jou hande amper brandwarm
come and warm your almost burning hands
om my koue straat, konkavuur,
on my cold street’s winter flames
maar vertel my van die woede van jou winter.
but speak of the anger of your winter,
Van sakke kole op ‘n twaalfrand special
of bags of coal at twelve bucks discount,
en hoe ver die pad na hitte is.
of how far you have to go to reach some heat.
Van jou vriend Vusi oor die straat
Speak of your friend Vusi from across the street
met wie julle een oggend middel laasjaar
whom you, one cold morning mid-last year,
heeltemal bevrore en heeltemal verniet,
frozen and in vain, carried to an ambulance.
na ‘n ambulans toe gehardloop het.

Vergas my, op koue stories oor die maan,
Spoil me with chilling stories of the moon
heelnag bo jou kop deur ‘n skreef in sink
visible all night through the patchy roof
en die laaste vyftig jaar se straatgeluide,
and the last fifty years worth of street sounds
wat nooit verander het nie.
that never really changed.
Kom sit hier by my in die dansende vlammelig.
Come child, take a seat amidst the dancing flames.
Kop op my skouer en jou fluister saggies in my oor.
Put your head on my shoulder and whisper in my ear.
Van viruskinders, jonk soos die oggend,
Of virus children, young as the morning,
maar Godvroeg in die grond
but early as God toward the ground,
en die Amerikaanse medisynes, so duur,
of the American medicines
dit kon niemand red nie.
too expensive to save anyone.
Dan huil en vloek ons gedemp saam oor die ironie
So we’ll cry and swear at the irony
in Mark Shuttleworth, se fokken dollardanse langs die maan.
of Mark Shuttleworth’s fucking dollar dances around the moon.
Laat jou naam jou eie wees.
May your name be your own.
Laat jou taxi voor donker kom.
May your taxi arrive before dark.
Ek vra niemand vir genade nie,
I ask no one for mercy,
maar alleen vir geluk.
only for happiness.
Amen.

A friend recently reminded me of this classic tale of forbidden love. Because it was indeed a man who brought up the subject, I thought it very appropriate to include it in this week’s Man’s Opinion. I have often made it a point to write here about the pain and strife that men experience in terms of love. When a couple breaks up, the woman has her support group to help her voice her hurt and frustration, while the man usually sits inside his prideful, self-imposed agonizing jail of feelings unexplored. It is why men have more heart attacks than we women and the main reason why our pain most often gets turned into anger, simply by talking to our girlfriends, while our male counterparts experience deep hurt and lonely pain. I cannot even begin to count how many of my male friends suffered the deep sorrows of a break-up, only to discover that their exs were dating and had already moved on, much faster and definitely cleaner than them. So, this folk tale is a reminder that it takes two to love and two to hurt. If you enjoy the fable, then check out the Hindi film “Aaja Nachle” where the story within the story is a theater production of “Layla aur Majnun”. The music, dancing - by the great Madhuri Dixit - and acting - think Konkona Sen Sharma and Kunal Kapoor as part of an stellar ensemble cast - make the movie a true delight to watch. “Aaja Nachle” is coming soon to Netflix or ITalkies.

Following is the story by Nezami of Gandja:

“The young lovers Layla and Qays become acquainted at maktab, a traditional school, and fall desperately in love. Qays - later renamed “Majnun”, which means madman - is so besotted with love for Layla that he can not conceal his emotions. He begins to write poetry describing his love for her, and recites his poems to every passer-by.

Majnun’s father tries to ask for Layla’s hand on his son’s behalf, but Layla’s father refuses as he believes that Majnun is a madman who is destroying his daughter’s reputation by his open declarations of love on every street corner. Majnun’s father then takes him on a pilgrimage, but he can not forget Layla and his madness intensifies.

In the mean time, Layla is unable to leave her house, as Majnun’s poems have made her the subject of people’s gossip. Layla’s father is intent on keeping them apart at all cost. A man by the name of Ebn-e Salaam asks Layla’s father for her hand in marriage, but is told that she is too young and he should come again in a few years’ time.

Majnun leaves everything and heads for the wilderness living a miserable life. No one can console him, not even the generous Nawfal. Nawfal tries to give Majnun advice, but when he does not succeed he is so saddened by his plight that he even goes to war with Layla’s clan, demanding that Layla and Majnun should be united. However, even when Layla’s clan is defeated, her father refuses to allow his daughter to marry Majnun. He says that Majnun has destroyed his daughter’s reputation - quoting “not a wind passes without uttering my daughter’s name” - and he would rather kill her than give her to him. Nawfal realises that he can not pursue the matter any longer, and Majnun leaves once again.

Time passes, and with Nawfal no longer appearing as a threat, Layla has many suitors. Ebn-e Salaam uses the opportunity and returns to ask for Layla’s hand, and this time he is successful. They are married and he takes Layla to his own home. Majnun is devastated when he hears the news and sinks further within himself refusing to return home to his family.

Majnun’s father dies of a broken heart. Majnun had been his only son, and he had loved him dearly.

Although Layla is married, she has not forgotten Majnun, and her love for him is as strong as before. She sends a letter to Majnun trying to console him after his father’s death. She also explains that her husband knows she does not love him and she will always remain faithful to Majnun.

Shortly after, Majnun’s mother also dies and Layla sends him a message through an old man who has met him on his wanderings, to come and visit her. Majnun returns, and the lover’s see each other once more. However, Layla’s husband has always loved her, and knowing that he can never win her love, falls ill and dies. Tradition demands that a widow must remain in her house for two years and not see any one in that period. Layla can not bear the thought of living without Majnun any longer and consumed with sorrow, she dies. When Majnun hears the news of Layla’s death, his world comes to an end. He visits her grave, weeps desperately and dies.

I admit, a little depressing, but very poetic and quite poignant, when you think that so many men lost their lives because of one woman…

I recently received a very touching e-mail from a reader of my site. I was deeply moved by “K” - in case he wishes to remain anonymous - since he prefaced his writing with a personal “thank you” for having helped him to understand his soon-to-be ex-wife’s point of view. I have often thought about, and debated over heatedly with girlfriends, the fact that men experience feelings just as strongly as we women do. Our only - albeit huge - difference is in the way we deal with those sentiments. In classical minimalist manner, men seem to suffer in silence while we women talk about our feelings endlessly with our large support system of friends and family. That’s what gives us the impression that we feel more… while actually I believe we end up feeling less intense emotions of hurt and deep pain, since our friends usually help us to turn those into anger - a most convenient distraction. So here is my dedication to all those men who have felt pain and haven’t been able to talk about it, for fear of losing their role. Thank you “K” and may life give you lots and lots of love.

IF MEN WERE HUNTERS….WHAT DO WE HUNT NOW?

If we are displaced. If we have failed at our marriage, what do we do now, read all the marriage books on the market?

If we can no longer be present in our children’s lives on a daily basis… how do we squeeze it all in on a Sunday park day before Mc Donald’s?

If men must work to provide Child Support, Alimony, and health insurance, while being an absent parent up to 85% of the children’s life, and only seeing them on Sundays, (because Dad needs the late night & Saturday overtime) then when does a man devote time to having a relationship or development of himself, if not wanting to unselfishly dedicate all his time only to them and their life, at least mommy can have a boyfriend in their life too 50% more than you can be… and you’re suddenly feeling very alone and lonely, wondering your purpose after all.

What is the secret between marvelous relationships and ones that have broken down.

Our role used to be to go out and find food and bring it back to “the den”. In the animal world or wild, or maybe being in a tribe we had that position or role. Women now do that just as good if not better than us men. They are quickly entering every high level position in business today, and lets just say if there were 100,000 jobs out there 10 years ago, and 100,000 guys for those jobs - then nature stayed in balance. But now there are 100,000 guys plus maybe 50,000 women for those same 100,000 jobs.

Why is it then, still not acceptable (or rephrase that - damn near impossible) for a father to be considered a major care-giver or provider with EQUAL custody or simply be a “house-band” role (like some housewives) raising the children while mother works?

Basically, I see men totally confused today. I see a man having to work twice as hard for 3 times as little, (without a family, wife, or house) without having a relationship and just work on finding his “NEW-SELF”. As foolish as it would be to start screwing up as a man and jump out of a marriage into another relationship, … they still do. And women don’t have the determination and devotion they used to have either, putting up with a less than perfect man. Will they begin to take on male flaws that taught man to put his needs above his wife’s?

So where does man go from here? To keep up his identity & self worth, his self-esteem, his concept of his title “hunter-provider” when he doesn’t have anything to come home too, a life on the weekends, working his butt off to support himself, his kids, and still feel like he’s getting, accomplishing, or totally missing something. Maybe he’s left with a huge gap inside, or just full of regrets for not seeing himself as a man sooner. Women want to prove to themselves they don’t need a man or be dependent on one today. That is a frightening place for a man to be… without a role.

But to try and learn what the purpose on earth is & in life and to build my CHARACTER? We never had to do that 100 years ago, understand the inner complications of women who are (without their own consent) having to survive, work, raise children, and have relationships. How do you find balance in that today? Seems 100 times harder than working on your marriage or relationship, heck I’d rather spend half of that time in counseling today.

I thought I made this brilliant discovery several weeks back, like I discovered a secret looking inward, to love & to show love and appreciation, wisdom, and gratefulness for what little I do have. What’s the saying? “Less Is More”. Are we now just learning what women have been told to do for the past 100 years ??? Ignore their feelings and fit in, be content. I know looking inwards brings more questions and more confusion as a man, like opening a can of worms… all these emotions, do women go through this too ????

And we question or feel some degree of guilt, there must be a little pleasure in it for us too, at the end of the day. What do we do now…? Get our nails done, or our hair ? A make over?

I don’t have a clue… just that I call it… like I see it.
“male-gender-role-reversed–occupationally-displaced-husbands-in-transitional readjustment?”
How do you spell relief…?

Following is an amazing piece of writing by my dear friend Juan Carlos Zaldivar. He is an exceptional man and filmmaker and someone I have just been lucky enough to find again in my life. One of those rare human beings who exude sensuality and charm from every pore of their persona. If you wish to find out more about him and his projects, do search for him on Facebook, and check out this YouTube link as well as his own website at www.zaldivar.info. He will amaze you, enchant you and make you cry.

“Where do I begin…

I met Nina almost ten years ago when she walked into an audition for one of my student films at NYU. She walked into the room and we were all blinded and not because we were young and impulsive (which we were) but because she has such a gentle air about her that you feel like you are sitting by a flowing brook when she is beside you. I cant imagine what that guy in the subway did (I will buy the book) but he certainly missed his stop.

I am a man. I am single. I have dated men and women. In the end, it is all the same. The single, most important realization I had in the last few years happened when I read a buddist monks’ musing on hope. In the West we have been taught that hope is the thing that will get you through. As long as there is hope, not all is lost. Right? Well, not quite. Zen presents a different idea of hope. The monk I speak about wrote that hope strangles possibility. Hope is destructive because it does not allow you to see what you have in front of you. You are so busy focusing on what you want or what you need, what you hope to get, that you miss the moment and the possibilities that may present to yourself at any given time.

I am trying to let go of my expectations… what I am required to be and do as a man. To be as a man. It is difficult to undo those imprints, but I think that when Nina says that she saw a light in the eyes of that man in the subway that made her follow him half-way around the world, she speaks for all of us. That light was hers reflected back at her, indeed. It is what she hoped. And hope will make us blind to the moment.

I wish that I am able to be present. Right now. Right here. At ease with myself. Being alone is not bad. I am the person who knows me best… and judges me the hardest. All of you guys out there, lets try to stop trying to be men and just be. Be honest. Be vulnerable. Be present. It’ll make it so much easier for all of us in the end.

I would love to hear more thoughts.”